| So, a few weeks ago my best friend decided that we should not speak, that he was no longer going to be tortured by me and that, after how many years of friendship, I never once proved myself to be worthy of his trust. Also, he casually mentioned he'd never trust me again...ever, and continually brought up how I've been dangling him at arms length. Lines of communication have been somewhat opened because, "he realized that as much as he wants to hate me and be angry at me...he can't." Which, according to him, sucks. And really, no words have been able to describe how I have been feeling about this. Honestly, I am baffled. Never once, after all, did I prove myself worthy of his trust. I mean, I remember this one time where he needed my help, so I sat in the back seat of a car and called a bunch of people to get him a phone number he needed, only to find out at the end of the night he was absolutely fine. I remember staying up past my usual hour to listen to him, even when he disregarded everything I said, made me cry, and then proceeded to yell at me for crying over him. I remember answering the phone the night after and being okay with talking again. I remember, even in person, being shot down in trying to cheer him up, having my attempts called "forced," and just being on the receiving end of some harsh tones of voice. I remember crying a lot over a four year period. As for the dangling, I am sorry, but when you are friends with someone who only acts like they give a shit when you go out of your way to prove that you give a shit, you can't be blasted for that. My favorite, though, may have to be that I will "never accept him as he is." But you know, he is right, it is hard to accept someone who periodically berades you and is unstable in their dealings with you, but to say that I never accepted him for his interests, etc., is a bunch of crap. In the end, however, it does not matter, because no matter what he does or what I do, I am going to be the one at fault. Clearly, I have never been a good friend, ever. I tried to apologize for my "torturing," only to have the response "oh, I'd like to believe that." I am in defeat. And I know I don't really have a way out. Months ago, I thought things were on the fade, but when something happened, we only had to reopen things for her sake. And look where that has led me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't think I'll ever know what I did wrong. I'm afraid to speak, for nothing I say is going to be trusted. I'm afraid to move, really. And as much as I'd like to change things...there are just some thing's I'll never be able to. And it breaks my heart. |
